Airplane Maintenance   

Log records between pilots and maintenance staff  of Aussie airline.

Pilot: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to a more believable level.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levels to stick.
Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in off mode
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in off mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you’re right.

Pilot: Number three engine is missing.
Engineers: Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.